Browsing Tag: depression

    Inspirational, Migration

    Time to make things right

    June 21, 2018

    For the past months, I was really emotionally unstable and my brain was a mess and my previous post have the details. I really felt the stress all over my body and I also got sick. Thanks God I was able to get out of that situation.

    One day, we were in the library and saw one of the books with warning tag, “The Less Stress Lifestyle”. Maybe it’s time to read this and it might help me. But one week had passed and I was still in the first chapter. I am not a bookworm. I only read pocketbooks(novels) and 3 inspirational ones but that’s ages ago. However, I cannot let go of that book so I keep renewing it. Somehow, deep inside I know it will change my perspective of handling stress.

    One night, a friend messaged me and confided her situation. She was also not okay. As a friend, I wanted to help her. I gave some opinions and shared my issues too. We comforted each other. Unknowingly, our advice seems like a strong reminder on how to deal with our issues. It goes down to talking heart to heart with your partner. Of course, the best person to help you is your partner or the person who live under the same roof as yours. If he will not understand, then who will.

    We were almost finishing our lunch that day when I broke down in tears. I told my husband my thoughts, my failures, my failed wants, everything. I know it will make him feel bad but he needs to know. We talked about the issues and how we’re going to fix them. I thank God for giving me a supportive husband. It really feels a lot better after talking to him.

    First of all, I need to fix my relationship with my daughter. I stop looking for job(but only for sometime). If I see an opportunity, I will apply. I try to do some chores when she is sleeping and set them aside when she’s awake so that I have more time with her. Deep breathing whenever she throws tantrums but of course there are still “face the wall” moments.

    Last month, we went to Sydney to renew our passports and met our friends. I had the chance to chat with my female friends and 2 of them are moms. This vacation which gave us time to bond as a family and with friends, hearing their stories and sharing mine completely got me out of the mess. Yes, I can share my issues with my friends in chat application but nothing really beats when you share them personally to your friends and learn from their stories too. Everyone has a story and sometimes all we need is to listen and learn from their experiences.

    Know that difficult time will resurface, it’s just that we don’t know when, but we are never alone in the battle. We just need to keep trying, accept our situation, admit that we need help and let go the things we cannot control. Worrying too much will not help. My husband is right. Instead of worrying, I should do something to improve myself. I will by learning web development(typescript and angular). This is hard for me coz I realize I am too lazy to study. I fell asleep most of the time, I get bored. I am easily distracted by other stuffs. But I will continue and hopefully will get what I want to achieve. I will try my best to finish the book. As of this writing, I am already in chapter 7. There are so many things I want to do. But time to be realistic and only do what I can do, one at a time. Things will always get better. One had reminded me to trust God, to enjoy the journey. I will.

    For now I am a housewife, a stay at home mom. I enjoy every bit of it. I can fulfill my duties as wife and mom and for now that’s all that matters to me. There are so many work inside the house but sometimes I still miss working outside. I joined the Melbourne playgroup to meet more moms and establish my network. Sometimes, I still think about money. But this time, I don’t let this eat me.

    I have a lot of realizations for the past months. I learned a lot. Thank you to my friends who are always with me even we’re miles and miles away and for my family in Philippines who support my decisions even if they will affect them. To my own family, for being the anchor of my life. Most of all, thanks God for giving me these wonderful people. I will forever be grateful for having such blessing and for surrounding me with so much love.

    This is the situation that gives birth to kusinelda. I’m back to blogging and it really feels good. Why am I into blogging? I will tell you next time. 🙂

    Inspirational, Migration

    When things seem to be going wrong

    June 21, 2018

    Place to live is ticked. It’s time to focus on finding a job. Oh man, it’s so difficult. There are not much C++ opportunities in Australia. If there is, it’s either not match with my skills or need to obtain a security clearance which is only given to citizens or for some with special cases. Because of this, I have too much time to think, to reflect on so many things and look into the future. Now it’s not good. Overthinking will result to unwanted and unnecessary stress. Migration itself is already a stress.

    What if we did not leave Singapore? What if I applied in Germany? What if we went back to Philippines? … If I write all my “what-if”, I’ll have a long list.

    Should I create an application using C++ Qt to improve my skills? Should I continue learning the C# WPF? Should I learn database, typescript and angular? Should I change my career and try testing and support? And so many questions whenever I didn’t hear from the recruiter anymore.

    We have outstanding loans and we give support to our families. I have this pride of earning my own money to support my family and doesn’t like the idea of forking it out from my husband’s earned income. My husband and my family in Philippines are facing some issues too. The pressure started to creep inside of me.

    I would like to help but what should I do? Should I apply for casual job? Should I sell something? Should I do freelance job? Should I apply for online tutor? Another list of questions.

    Being emotionally not okay means I easily became impatient and angry whenever my daughter did something wrong or throwing tantrums and wanting her daddy even he’s working. Until I realized that our relationship was no longer ok. She cried. I cried. And then we decided to enroll her in a child care center twice a week. The search for the child care center and meeting all their requirements like immunization record in Australia, having a maternal and child health nurse and proof of allergic reactions signed by a pediatrician, consume most of my time and set aside my job hunting. When the session started, I am back with my questions although things got a little bit better coz I have 2 days to do some household chores, study and look for job. Still me and my daughter were like dog and cat.

    One day, my husband received a call from a recruiter(oh yes, he has call even if he is not looking for job, how ironic). It went pretty smooth and fast and he gets the job. Now what? He will be working outside. This is not the plan. The plan is he will work from home, I work full time outside and our daughter will go to childcare at most 3 days/week. How are we going to manage this?

    I really felt that I failed as a mom, as a career woman and as a daughter. I am good for nothing. One once told me not to worry because things will be okay because he knows that I will do my best. Am I really that kind of person ‘coz right now, I am not seeing her. I was not telling these thoughts to my husband. I was ashamed to admit that I am not helping to make our situation better. I started to take comfort from watching series but at the end of the day, it made me feel miserable because I was aware that I was wasting my time. Was I in the brink of having depression? Maybe but I felt really stressed and I need to get out of there as soon as possible. Actually I did and I will tell you on my next post ‘coz this is already long enough to read. Thank you for your time.