When things seem to be going wrong
Place to live is ticked. It’s time to focus on finding a job. Oh man, it’s so difficult. There are not much C++ opportunities in Australia. If there is, it’s either not match with my skills or need to obtain a security clearance which is only given to citizens or for some with special cases. Because of this, I have too much time to think, to reflect on so many things and look into the future. Now it’s not good. Overthinking will result to unwanted and unnecessary stress. Migration itself is already a stress.
What if we did not leave Singapore? What if I applied in Germany? What if we went back to Philippines? … If I write all my “what-if”, I’ll have a long list.
Should I create an application using C++ Qt to improve my skills? Should I continue learning the C# WPF? Should I learn database, typescript and angular? Should I change my career and try testing and support? And so many questions whenever I didn’t hear from the recruiter anymore.
We have outstanding loans and we give support to our families. I have this pride of earning my own money to support my family and doesn’t like the idea of forking it out from my husband’s earned income. My husband and my family in Philippines are facing some issues too. The pressure started to creep inside of me.
I would like to help but what should I do? Should I apply for casual job? Should I sell something? Should I do freelance job? Should I apply for online tutor? Another list of questions.
Being emotionally not okay means I easily became impatient and angry whenever my daughter did something wrong or throwing tantrums and wanting her daddy even he’s working. Until I realized that our relationship was no longer ok. She cried. I cried. And then we decided to enroll her in a child care center twice a week. The search for the child care center and meeting all their requirements like immunization record in Australia, having a maternal and child health nurse and proof of allergic reactions signed by a pediatrician, consume most of my time and set aside my job hunting. When the session started, I am back with my questions although things got a little bit better coz I have 2 days to do some household chores, study and look for job. Still me and my daughter were like dog and cat.
One day, my husband received a call from a recruiter(oh yes, he has call even if he is not looking for job, how ironic). It went pretty smooth and fast and he gets the job. Now what? He will be working outside. This is not the plan. The plan is he will work from home, I work full time outside and our daughter will go to childcare at most 3 days/week. How are we going to manage this?
I really felt that I failed as a mom, as a career woman and as a daughter. I am good for nothing. One once told me not to worry because things will be okay because he knows that I will do my best. Am I really that kind of person ‘coz right now, I am not seeing her. I was not telling these thoughts to my husband. I was ashamed to admit that I am not helping to make our situation better. I started to take comfort from watching series but at the end of the day, it made me feel miserable because I was aware that I was wasting my time. Was I in the brink of having depression? Maybe but I felt really stressed and I need to get out of there as soon as possible. Actually I did and I will tell you on my next post ‘coz this is already long enough to read. Thank you for your time.